Gratitude

In one of his final essays, Oliver Sacks wrote about what he felt after an accident left him dragging himself down a mountain with a broken leg. Memories of all sorts came to him, but he described an overwhelming feeling of gratitude through them all. It was surprising to read about, and I very much doubt that, were I in the same situation, gratitude is what I would feel. Being positive has always been hard for me. My mind latches on to what's wrong, and tends to dwell on it excessively. This is by no means unique to me; the human mind seems adept at remembering negative events, to the detriment of happier thoughts. 

It is a terrible way of thinking about life, viewing it through this particular glass. There is, after all, much to be grateful for, even when things often seem so abysmally dark. Sacks was reflecting back over eight decades of life; I have nowhere near that amount of time to reflect upon, but even looking at the past few years is enough. It is hard for me to imagine now, but it hasn't been that long since I believed that I would complete a teaching degree and try to find a job in my hometown. The world seemed smaller then. I'd never driven by myself further than an hour in any direction from where I grew up. I had only ever worked a single job. I chose my college based not on the fact that it offered the degree I wanted--the university was close, and I could drive a half hour to reach it. I never truly considered going elsewhere. My own future, in my mind, seemed quite linear and set. Of all the things that I am grateful for, the fact that my life took a different path from what I imagined it would is surely first among those. 

The last few years have taught me to be more resilient. I spent too much time going from crisis to crisis. Gradually, I'm internalizing the realization that the world will not end because of something that happens in my life. I still have hard days--as everyone does--but I've begun to view these as temporary setbacks in a life that continues to get better, even if at times that progress seems far too slow. I have, in many ways, been incredibly fortunate, and I am grateful for that. My own future seems more full of possibilities than it once did. It could be argued that my world is still a small one, but it continues to grow as I do. 

I take joy in learning more about the world--I delight in seeing exposed cuts of rock, their bending, multi-hued layers hinting at the deeper history of our planet, in assemblages of fossil animals and plants, of images of far-away galaxies. These grand, humbling sights put our problems in their proper place. Where once I saw only black and white, gradually everything appears far more complex, in the best possible way. This makes life all the more engaging.

I'm grateful to have discovered these things relatively early in life. All the more time to keep learning, following my curiosity wherever it decides to take me. I'm grateful for the interesting people I've met so far, for those whose presence has immeasurably enriched my life. I've come much further than I imagined I would. There remains a long way to go.